What the hell did I just watch? No seriously.... What the hell did I just watch? Wow.
Here's my line of thinking. "Hey, I am trying to run a bunch of Halloween and/or horror related films for review. I will try and run the gamut for types of films, and pick ones that some people may know, think they know, or not even have a clue about." Halloween III falls in category 3 for most people I think as typically the John Carpenter series is recognized solely by Michael Myers (not the comedian).
In this flick, which I am not even sure qualifies as post-modern or "meta", Michael Myers is only referenced by movies shown within the movie acknowledging that the first Halloween movies were movies, while simultaneously being a Halloween movie itself. Trust me, this flick is not nearly intelligent enough to make that a purposeful decision.
The premise, ah who cares I am going to spoil it for you. An alcoholic doctor has some man wind up in his hospital who gets killed by some maniac who blows himself up. The doctor then proceeds to investigate the death himself (gawd knows the police are useless in such cases) and he goes to some small town where an eccentric mask maker controls the whole town. Blah blah blah, stuff happens, and... wait for it.... it is revealed that the crazed mask maker has a master plan using magic rocks from a stolen slab from Stonehenge implanted in all the masks he sold to children, which on Halloween night at midnight, he will air a special commercial that will set off all the microchip/rocks (???) and proceed to melt all the heads of the kids wearing masks and MAGICALLY make them start spewing snakes and insects. Did I forget to mention that all his minions are robots wearing masks to look like humans?
All run on sentences aside folks, I can't make this crap up.
The good: One creative death with a magic "lazer" that shoots from a microchip some chick is fiddling with that proceeds to rupture her face in interesting fashion. That and the one line where the doctor, after finding out the evil scheme, manages to call for help to his ex-wife (I think) and without hearing her part of the dialogue, he suddenly blurts out, "No, I am not drunk!" Man I wish I was watching this. I may have had more appreciation.
The bad: Truly there is nothing redeemable about this film. Though I think it does take top honours for the absolute most annoying musical plot device ever to be used in film.
Final Thoughts: Never would I have thought that the Halloween premise of demented man-child that is also an unstoppable killing machine would have seemed so much more plausible and welcome over the atrocity that I witnessed that is this film. Oh and this flick has sweet F all do with witches and/or seasons.
Add to the vault: I think the only disservice to this film would be to NOT burn every single copy that exists and collectively pretend this film never happened.
HA!
ReplyDeleteI missed this, I was hoping you'd review it. What a trainwreck.